After Grieving the Loss of My Mom, I Eventually Found Peace
Even though she’s gone, I still feel my mom’s presence in everything I do.
I watched my mom take her last breath. Even in her last moments, I still had hope she would pull through. As I whispered into her ear everything I wanted to say, it was the furthest away I’ve ever felt from her. Telling her I loved her over and over again scared me because it meant I was giving up and saying goodbye.
For months, she was drastically slipping away and I couldn’t do anything about it. While she had been present physically, the week leading up to her passing, she hadn’t spoken a word. Yet, I was still hoping for a miracle to happen.
In the weeks after she passed, all I did was think of what I could’ve done differently. What if I convinced her to do chemo? What if I pushed her to eat healthier? What if I made her go to the doctor’s more often so they could’ve caught her cancer earlier? Why didn’t I do more research? Why didn’t I spend more time with her?
All these questions rushed through my head. All I was able to feel was regret. While I knew I couldn’t change the past, the lingering feeling of “what if” haunted me every day. I just wanted to fast forward to a time when things would feel better, not really knowing if this was even a possibility. I couldn’t stop living in the past. It was the only place I felt I could exist.
I didn’t believe that my feelings would change over time. How could time make my mom’s absence feel less horrible than it did right now?
For months after, it felt like my mom was completely gone. Here one minute and gone the next. It felt like I would never feel her around me ever again. I was lost, angry, sad, and confused.
But as time passed on, to my surprise, things did get better. I still miss her like crazy but I’ve also come to feel her presence in ways I never realized was possible.
Death is something we know will eventually come. But we are not taught to address it. We wait until someone dies to appreciate who they were. We wait until someone’s death to speak about it even when it is right in front of our faces.
The whole time my mom was sick I carried on as if nothing was different. I was scared to cherish our time together because that meant I was accepting that she was sick and that she would eventually be gone. That was something I was not willing to do.
No one taught me how to deal with death or grief. All my grandparents passed away so I wasn’t unfamiliar with losing a loved one. I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly, especially with someone so close to my heart.
The one thing that has gotten me through my grief was allowing my mom to fill the space around me. She is not gone. Maybe she is in the physical sense but nothing can take away her presence which I feel every day. Once I realized this, I was on my way to acceptance, the last stage of grief. I never thought I would get to this point.
When most of us think of the universe and what may be out there beyond earth, we think of what we can see with our own eyes like the stars and the planets. But when I think about the universe, I think about my mom and where she might be. I think of all that is out there that we don’t know about. I think of the endless possibilities.
Just because we don’t know, understand, or see something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. What are the chances that earth is the only planet with living beings? When you think about it, we are such a small part of the universe. That’s what gives me peace. Because things exist even if we can’t see them.
I know she is out there somewhere. Energy cannot be destroyed. So in theory, my mom was never truly gone from my life. Once I realized this, I was able to carry on her memory in a positive light rather than pushing away any thought of her so I wouldn’t burst into tears. She may be gone in her physical form but she still exists somewhere out there. Just like some of us believe in heaven, I believe that we don’t truly disappear when we pass. There is some kind of afterlife that exists whether that be heaven, reincarnation, or becoming a part of the universe.
I see her all around me. I see her in myself. I see her in my sister. I see her in the decisions I make and the thoughts I have. I see her in the lives of those she has touched. I see her when I see a butterfly or an open field of flowers. She fills every inch of space around me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Regret, anger, and sadness were replaced with love, laughter, and light because that is my mom’s essence.
I had to go through all the stages of grief to get to where I am now. Suddenly I could talk about her with a smile on my face, not with tears on my cheek. I could talk about her laughing and reminiscing about the person she was.
It took a while to get here and it was not easy. I still cry sometimes. Grief is not perfect. It’s messy. It’s full of ups and downs.
But when I allowed light back into my life, that is when I feel my mom the most. Everyone was always so drawn to her because she beamed light and positivity. I will continue to do the same. She is such a huge part of who I am today. And I am so proud of who I am because of her. By giving her the space to exist, I am carrying on her memory forever.
