Letting Go of the Person I Thought I Wanted to Be
I found myself in a sea of people who were all the same.
I had this preconceived image of what a perfect life would look like. I thought I knew what I wanted and was intent on reaching all of my goals. Then my mom passed away and all of it ceased to matter. My dreams started to feel materialistic and meaningless. I felt lost, confused, and started questioning what my purpose was.
This couldn’t be it, could it?
I felt pressured to reach certain achievements like getting a full-time job, starting a family, and buying a house. I saw my life mapped out right before my eyes and realized I didn’t want any of it. This was everyone else’s dream disguised as my own.
I wanted to pursue these things because I thought it would get me to my ultimate goal of finding happiness. Now I realize that external achievements will not bring me the fulfillment I desire. No amount of success or ownership of material things will do what I’ve been told it will. But I was convinced this is what would bring me happiness.
I had to unlearn everything I was taught during the majority of my life. In school, you are bullied if you don’t fit in with the crowd and penalized if you don’t listen to authority and get good grades. If you don’t comply, you will face disadvantages the rest won’t. Before you know it you start to believe that standing out is a bad thing. I didn’t learn how to think for myself.
After college, I was given a sense of freedom I never felt before and I didn’t know what to do with it. It was new territory. I knew I wanted more out of life than a desk job, I just didn’t know exactly what I wanted yet. I was never given time to figure out who I am and what made me unique.
This is why most of us feel so lost in our 20’s because we were never taught how to function in the real world. We are taught to think the same and pursue a life with limitations.
Slowly, my life started to shift. I started making decisions that aligned with who I wanted to be. With each change, I got to know myself better.
Self-care, learning to live with less, redefining who I am as a woman, and spending time with like-minded people fighting for a better world is what truly fueled my soul.
I started eating a whole foods plant-based diet for my health. Our bodies are what allow us to live the life we want so I knew I needed to start caring about what I was putting into my body. I knew that if I didn’t take care of my health, I wasn’t giving myself the care I deserved.
Eventually, I found minimalism. I let go of the material things that were weighing me down not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. It opened my eyes to the things that truly matter. I want to live a simple life, not burdened by modern-day desires.
Then I became an animal rights activist and it felt like everything was falling into place. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Becoming an activist taught me not only how to speak up for others, but myself as well. If we can make a change in the world, no matter how minor, we start to see what truly nourishes our soul.
I’m also redefining who I am as a woman. I no longer want kids, I’m not interested in getting married, and I’m throwing unrealistic beauty standards down the drain. Society has made it seem like there is only one way to be a woman and that is to listen to what society tells us to be. I am no longer listening to their voice, only my own.
With all these shifts in my life, the old me was fading in the distance. My path became clearer. Once I took control of my life with just one decision, it continued like a domino effect. Before I knew it, I felt like a completely different person.
When I didn’t know what I wanted in life, it was easy to desire the path that had been laid out for me.
Change used to scare me. It was too unpredictable. When my mom passed away, change just became a part of my life. I realized no matter what situation I fell into that I was strong enough to handle whatever came my way. I wanted to embrace change, not run away from it. I am continuing to choose growth over comfortability. When I stopped confining myself to the expectations of those around me, I discovered new things about myself that I otherwise wouldn’t have.
I let go of who I thought I was supposed to be to become who I wanted to be.
A lot of the things we think we need actually drive us further away from what we want. I always thought life was about adding to it but I realized it was about taking away what wasn’t making me happy. The more I took away, the more I felt at peace.
With every decision I made, I was ripping off the layers society had put onto me and I was slowly getting back to my true self. I acknowledge that everything I want now may change at any moment. I embrace that because change is what moves me forward. I don’t want to remain stagnant. I don’t want to chase the same things the people around me are chasing because that is not unique to who I am.
The old me didn’t know how to deal with change. The old me wanted stability, routine, and safety. The person I am today wants freedom, health, and to stand for what is right.
All this time I thought I wanted to fit in, blend in with the crowd, and not stray from the norm but I was slowly losing myself in the process. I’m no longer allowing myself to be confined by judgment, fear, and the desire to fit in. The old me, while a necessary part of my life, was scared of change. Now I embrace every part of it.
